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| Our 3 beautiful healthy boys. |
One of the worse weeks of our lives.
It’s been a very long time between blogs but I have had a very exciting, BUSY and sad year.
So Zed and I have just been through one of the hardest weeks of our lives and it is the first thing I’d like to Blog about because it amazed me how many couples and families go through it and don't talk about it.
So around the end of January Zed had been away and we had ‘happy hour’ the night he returned (we drank and chatted a lot).
So there was a little slip up in the bedroom, if you know what I mean ... now this didn't worry me. It actually didn't even cross my mind as when we were trying to conceive Buddha it took us nearly one year.
So about six weeks after, I was late. I'm not normally late. In fact, I am normally spot on (so my husband informs me).
So I am speaking to Zed on the phone as he is on his way to Vietnam and is in transit in Singapore. I say to him, “I’ve been feeling a bit queasy (there was a bug going around) and I'm late. I might just take a test to put my mind at ease.” To which he replies, “I’ve been freaking out since we had that slip up.”
Now just a little history. After we had Buddha I really wanted to try for a girl, but Zed wasn't keen as I was so sick in and out of hospital when I was pregnant. After much nagging we decided that we were happy with our three boys. This happened about six to 12 months before our little slip up so I had accepted the fact that this was it and we were happy with our amazing three boys.
So off I go to the apotec (pharmacy), get a test, come home, peed on the little stick and there right before my eyes in like 2.2 seconds was two little pink lines. OMG!!!!
My first thought was “oh my, we don't have anything and we are in a country where it is extremely hard to get baby stuff.”
Second thought was “holy crap I have to tell Zed.” So I called Zed and told him while he was in Singapore in transit.
Let’s be honest we were both feeling a little sick, we had a lot on both our minds at the time and we thought we were done having kids.
After a week Zed returned home and we were both starting to get excited about the new addition. So we told our closest friends and family. We also told our three boys. We were on holiday in Bali when we told them. They weren't excited to start with but then became super excited after a week of letting it sink in.
Our three boys and I had a discussion one night in the lounge room a week or two after we told them about babies etc, and one of them asks what happens if a baby dies before its born? Then we had a talk about miscarriage and still Born's etc.
Then Zed left again after one day later to head up to PNG, for two weeks. We worked out we were around six weeks, on time hop it came up that we announced Buddhas pregnancy the same day at four weeks so we decided to announce it on Facebook. I have never been a believer in waiting the 12 week mark. If you are going to lose a baby it doesn't matter who knows, and when and if it happens at least you have support. I also think you may jinx yourself.
So I was feeling nausea all day but no vomiting at all and craving sweet foods (with my boys I was in and out of hospital with such bad all day vomiting) so we were convinced this was a little girl. We had the idea how to tell everyone what we were having by getting the OBGYN to write it on a piece of paper and I was going to get my girlfriends to put whichever colour balloons in a box and Zed and I would have a photo shoot while we open the box on the beach. We were going to buy the boys a cake for them to cut into to find pink or blue.
Zed was getting so excited that, when he went to have a look at our potential next location, he sent a photo of all the high chairs lined up with a tag line, “they cater for little ones.“ He also told me “when she is older we will have to move to a country where I can have a gun, even with three big brothers.” I replied, “it will be their friends we have to watch. :)”
I had already been on eBay looking at prams, capsules, cots and bedding.
So around the 7.5 week mark I had heard loads of bad reports of so many people having miscarriages here in Indonesia for what reasons we don't know. So, even though I had a trip to Singapore to see a OBGYN to have a scan and blood test for the gender and medical checks around the 10 week mark, I went to the local hospital (which is far less than impressive) just to have a scan and see the heartbeat.
Zed was still away, so I went in by myself, thinking everything would be ok.
I went to see the OBGYN, and had a scan. The OBGYN said that she should be able to see the heart beat at this stage and couldn’t so I came home and cried. But we all know that the doctors there are not the same as doctors in western countries so I pulled myself together and planned my trip to Singapore early. The OBGYN in Singapore told me not to worry if I didn't have cramps or spotting or bleeding. So I was still worrying but I pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to think positive.
So Zed gets back on Friday night and we head to Singapore on Sunday. I had an appointment on Monday at 12.30pm.
I had a dentist appointment at 10am then I strolled through the shops and bought some tops for my coming pregnancy. I looked at some baby clothes and saw the cutest baby girl Haviannas, but refrained from buying them, just in case we were wrong and it was a boy.
Zed was in Singapore for a training course and I really wanted him to meet me at 12 for the appointment. I asked him and told him it was important to me and, in case it was bad news, I didn't want to be by myself. He couldn't make it, his work ethic is so strong and it is something I admire about him so much but something that really annoys me at times because work always come first. Also in his mind everything was going to be ok. Nothing was going to be wrong. Don't get me wrong, he is amazing. He goes to everything the kids have at school from performances and assembles to sports carnivals and swim meets. He just didn't think this was a big deal.
So off I go to the OBGYN alone. I sat waited. Did the pee test. Waited some more. Then i was called through. We did the standard questions and then it was time for a scan, internally (not what I had at the local hospital).
Laying there the OBGYN says to me, “ok, there is the arms, there is the legs, oh there’s the profile and its face. There’s its rump, ok let’s see a heartbeat…..” Waiting… waiting… waiting to see a blink somewhere on the screen… and nothing…….
I felt my eyes leaking, my heart pounding and beginning to break….. The OBGYN says to me “I'm so sorry but I'm going to have to agree with the doctor in Indonesia.” “What does that mean?” i sobbed.
She replied “get dressed and we will talk.”
Feeling lonely, broken and extremely sad, I got dressed and sat in the chair crying, trying not to, trying to listen and understand what was being told to me. Among the ‘noise’ coming from her mouth, all I got was “D & C tomorrow….” I just wanted to scream, cry and hide.
She then told me to go in the waiting room while they tried to organise an appointment for surgery tomorrow. Crying uncontrollably I sat in the waiting room among all these pregnant woman so I decided to escape to the toilet and ring Zed. I called him. I couldn't talk. I just cried, he said “omg babe are you ok?” “Do you want me to come there now?” To which I sobbed “what’s the point? The hard part is over.” Looking back I really needed him by my side, but I was so angry that he wasn't there holding my hand when this happened, that I never thought how he must be feeling at his work training course hearing this horrible news that we had lost the baby we were both so excited to have.
Next I called my mum. She will make me feel better. As soon as I heard my mum’s voice, I broke down even more, I think I yelled and cried, and flopped to the floor. I could barely stand. I had nothing. After talking with my mum, I didn't feel better as I thought I would. I thought she would have an answer. I thought she could make it better but NOTHING was going to fix what had happened: nothing or no one.
So i splashed myself with water, took a hand full of toilet paper and headed back to the OBGYN room. I sat and cried and cried while they continued my paper work for the following day surgery.
Then the OBGYN comes and says to me, “for tomorrow you will need to wear something loose, bring pads, insert these tablets into your vagina two hours before and fast from 8.30am.” That won’t be hard because I don't think I’ll feel like eating. I had only packed a bag for one night so I only had my jeans and plane clothes. Now i had to be here a few extra days. If it was under any other circumstances I’d be in heaven being told I have to stay in Singapore (one of my favourite places in the world) for a few days more and, on top of that, go shopping for new clothes but that was not the case this time.
Then I was sent to pathology to have bloods taken in preparation for the surgery the next day. I had to sit in a room uncontrollably crying ALONE amongst around 30 people and wait for about one hour. Nowhere to hide. Nowhere to go. No one to hide my crying face into.
So I had bloods and started walking back to the hotel. It was all a blur. All I could think was “how dare you. I wanted one more baby for so long then I was settled. I was happy with my perfect healthy three boys then, oh here you go, have the baby you wanted for so long. Oh no, just joking you can’t have it…..” I was so SAD. I don't think had ever been so sad in my whole life.
So I arrive back to the hotel room to find a note from Zed, “I have gone looking for you. xxx” So I rung him and told him where I was. He returned not long after the phone call, and he and I just cuddled and cried. How did I think I was going to cope alone? That was crazy thinking. My rock, my soul mate, my husband: that’s what I needed.
So that afternoon and evening, we spent crying and cuddling for hours. I tried to take my mind off it all with television. Zed tried working on his computer and we would both just burst into tears. My whole face was puffy, my nose was continuously blocked and I was SAD. I was so sad that this had happened to me. I had lost a baby, no matter how old or how far along, I had lost a child that I had never had the chance to meet that I never had the chance to hold, feed or kiss but I loved this baby. I cared for this baby. I wanted this baby. We all wanted this baby. This was so unfair. I was sad! I was so very sad!
My D & C was booked for the following day at 3.30 pm but I had lots of prep to do before it. I had to go and buy something to wear that wasn't tight. I had to buy pads. I had to get nail polish remover, undies and then had to be back at the hotel at 12.30 to insert these tablets that open your cervix. They also cause bleeding and cramps.
So we went out and got what we needed to get then returned to the hotel. We were both just numb dreading what had to happen later that day, trying not to think of it. While we were in the hotel room, the phone rang. It was the OBGYN’s office. They had to push me back an hour. Oh no another hour to wait… GREAT, as if all day waiting wasn't bad enough.
My husband never left my side that day or the next. I couldn't have done this without him.
So it came time to leave for the hospital. In hysterics, my husband loaded me in the taxi and we headed off to what was going to be one of the hardest days of my life. Standing in front of the hospital doors, I could only think, “what if i don't go in? What if they were wrong? If I don't go in and go home, would it all be ok?” Silly huh? Well I didn't want it to be over. I didn't want to lose my baby so my mind was clenching at straws. With the support from my husband, we walked in. We went to the registration counter and I couldn't even talk to the woman that called us up. I was a blubbering mess. Zed found strength that day that we both needed. Like I said, I couldn't have done it without him.
We waited in the waiting room for what felt like an eternity. I cried the whole time. Then we were registered, the nurse came to get us, walked us through to our room and gave me instructions on what was going to happen. I still couldn't stop crying.
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Our little oopsy
Never in my arms but always in our hearts. |
Zed sat by my bed side and we watched some car show (I think) it was all kind of a blur. Then they came to wheel me away, crying harder than I had since I found out initially the day before. I kissed my husband goodbye and saw tears welling in his eyes for what I think was the first time since leaving the hotel that afternoon.
They wheeled me down the corridor off to the surgery room and we pulled up in a corridor to wait for approval to head in. We went in then I was put in another waiting room in front of a TV where I watched the same car show zed and I were watching just before. Then the anesthetist came and told me what would happen, put in an IV, and then not long after, they wheeled me into the operating room where I saw my OBGYN, and she said how sorry she was again. Then the anesthetist appeared and begun to put me to sleep.
I then woke in recovery ALONE. I felt empty. I felt like a part of me was missing. I felt SAD. I felt numb.
I then woke properly and they wheeled me back to my beautiful husband who was sitting in the same spot as I left him some two hours prior.
I then had to eat and drink and then at around 8pm was allowed to leave to go back to our hotel room. I was numb. I went back and got into bed where I planned to stay.
I fell asleep watching some crap on tv (crying, yes, I cried A LOT).
When we woke, we packed up our room and went to breakfast, even though neither of us felt like eating. We then went to see the OBGYN and she explained what we needed to expect for the next two months. She explained that they have no idea why these things happen then she gave us the pictures from the ultrasound taken two days before. Zed lost it: he was in tears as was I. Now to head home to hug our three boys and deal with telling them. The boys were sad, one cried for about 30 minutes, one let out a few tears and Buddha was just too young to understand. But one sweet thing was one said “Lucky you didn't die too mummy.” Our driver’s wife had died about two years ago when she miscarried.
So then I decided to post something on Facebook informing everyone that we had lost our baby. Because I didn't want someone coming to me saying, “oh, how’s the pregnancy, how you feeling, etc, etc?” The amount of my friends that have had this happen to them is amazing, and I didn't even know. Some friend are close friends. My next question is why don't we talk about these things? Where do these women and husbands find support if they don't tell anyone?
I am so thankful to have three healthy, perfect boys. It makes me feel so lucky after what we have been through.
