Friday, May 1, 2015

The hardest week of our lives....

Our 3 beautiful healthy boys.
One of the worse weeks of our lives.

It’s been a very long time between blogs but I have had a very exciting, BUSY and sad year.
So Zed and I have just been through one of the hardest weeks of our lives and it is the first thing I’d like to Blog about because it amazed me how many couples and families go through it and don't talk about it.
So around the end of January Zed had been away and we had ‘happy hour’ the night he returned (we drank and chatted a lot).

So there was a little slip up in the bedroom, if you know what I mean ... now this didn't worry me.  It actually didn't even cross my mind as when we were trying to conceive Buddha it took us nearly one year.
So about six weeks after, I was late. I'm not normally late. In fact, I am normally spot on (so my husband informs me).
So I am speaking to Zed on the phone as he is on his way to Vietnam and is in transit in Singapore. I say to him, “I’ve been feeling a bit queasy (there was a bug going around) and I'm late. I might just take a test to put my mind at ease.” To which he replies, “I’ve been freaking out since we had that slip up.” 

Now just a little history. After we had Buddha I really wanted to try for a girl, but Zed wasn't keen as I was so sick in and out of hospital when I was pregnant.  After much nagging we decided that we were happy with our three boys. This happened about six to 12 months before our little slip up so I had accepted the fact that this was it and we were happy with our amazing three boys.
So off I go to the apotec (pharmacy), get a test, come home, peed on the little stick and there right before my eyes in like 2.2 seconds was two little pink lines. OMG!!!! 
My first thought was “oh my, we don't have anything and we are in a country where it is extremely hard to get baby stuff.” 
Second thought was “holy crap I have to tell Zed.” So I called Zed and told him while he was in Singapore in transit.
Let’s be honest we were both feeling a little sick, we had a lot on both our minds at the time and we thought we were done having kids. 
After a week Zed returned home and we were both starting to get excited about the new addition. So we told our closest friends and family. We also told our three boys. We were on holiday in Bali when we told them. They weren't excited to start with but then became super excited after a week of letting it sink in. 
Our three boys and I had a discussion one night in the lounge room a week or two after we told them about babies etc, and one of them asks what happens if a baby dies before its born? Then we had a talk about miscarriage and still Born's etc. 
Then Zed left again after one day later to head up to PNG, for two weeks. We worked out we were around six weeks, on time hop it came up that we announced Buddhas pregnancy the same day at four weeks so we decided to announce it on Facebook. I have never been a believer in waiting the 12 week mark. If you are going to lose a baby it doesn't matter who knows, and when and if it happens at least you have support. I also think you may jinx yourself. 

So I was feeling nausea all day but no vomiting at all and craving sweet foods (with my boys I was in and out of hospital with such bad all day vomiting) so we were convinced this was a little girl. We had the idea how to tell everyone what we were having by getting the OBGYN to write it on a piece of paper and I was going to get my girlfriends to put whichever colour balloons in a box and Zed and I would have a photo shoot while we open the box on the beach. We were going to buy the boys a cake for them to cut into to find pink or blue. 

Zed was getting so excited that, when he went to have a look at our potential next location, he sent a photo of all the high chairs lined up with a tag line, “they cater for little ones.“ He also told me “when she is older we will have to move to a country where I can have a gun, even with three big brothers.” I replied, “it will be their friends we have to watch. :)” 

 I had already been on eBay looking at prams, capsules, cots and bedding.

So around the 7.5 week mark I had heard loads of bad reports of so many people having miscarriages here in Indonesia for what reasons we don't know. So, even though I had a trip to Singapore to see a OBGYN to have a scan and blood test for the gender and medical checks around the 10 week mark, I went to the local hospital (which is far less than impressive) just to have a scan and see the heartbeat. 
Zed was still away, so I went in by myself, thinking everything would be ok. 

I went to see the OBGYN, and had a scan. The OBGYN said that she should be able to see the heart beat at this stage and couldn’t so I came home and cried. But we all know that the doctors there are not the same as doctors in western countries so I pulled myself together and planned my trip to Singapore early. The OBGYN in Singapore told me not to worry if I didn't have cramps or spotting or bleeding. So I was still worrying but I pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to think positive. 

So Zed gets back on Friday night and we head to Singapore on Sunday. I had an appointment on Monday at 12.30pm. 
I had a dentist appointment at 10am then I strolled through the shops and bought some tops for my coming pregnancy. I looked at some baby clothes and saw the cutest baby girl Haviannas, but refrained from buying them, just in case we were wrong and it was a boy.
Zed was in Singapore for a training course and I really wanted him to meet me at 12 for the appointment. I asked him and told him it was important to me and, in case it was bad news, I didn't want to be by myself. He couldn't make it, his work ethic is so strong and it is something I admire about him so much but something that really annoys me at times because work always come first. Also in his mind everything was going to be ok. Nothing was going to be wrong. Don't get me wrong, he is amazing. He goes to everything the kids have at school from performances and assembles to sports carnivals and swim meets. He just didn't think this was a big deal. 

So off I go to the OBGYN alone. I sat waited. Did the pee test. Waited some more. Then i was called through. We did the standard questions and then it was time for a scan, internally (not what I had at the local hospital).
Laying there the OBGYN says to me, “ok, there is the arms, there is the legs, oh there’s the profile and its face. There’s its rump, ok let’s see a heartbeat…..”  Waiting… waiting… waiting to see a blink somewhere on the screen… and nothing…….
I felt my eyes leaking, my heart pounding and beginning to break…..  The OBGYN says to me “I'm so sorry but I'm going to have to agree with the doctor in Indonesia.” “What does that mean?” i sobbed.
She replied “get dressed and we will talk.” 
Feeling lonely, broken and extremely sad, I got dressed and sat in the chair crying, trying not to, trying to listen and understand what was being told to me. Among the ‘noise’ coming from her mouth, all I got was “D & C tomorrow….” I just wanted to scream, cry and hide. 

She then told me to go in the waiting room while they tried to organise an appointment for surgery tomorrow. Crying uncontrollably I sat in the waiting room among all these pregnant woman so I decided to escape to the toilet and ring Zed. I called him. I couldn't talk. I just cried, he said “omg babe are you ok?” “Do you want me to come there now?” To which I sobbed “what’s the point? The hard part is over.” Looking back I really needed him by my side, but I was so angry that he wasn't there holding my hand when this happened, that I never thought how he must be feeling at his work training course hearing this horrible news that we had lost the baby we were both so excited to have.
Next I called my mum. She will make me feel better. As soon as I heard my mum’s voice, I broke down even more, I think I yelled and cried, and flopped to the floor. I could barely stand. I had nothing. After talking with my mum, I didn't feel better as I thought I would. I thought she would have an answer. I thought she could make it better but NOTHING was going to fix what had happened: nothing or no one. 

So i splashed myself with water, took a hand full of toilet paper and headed back to the OBGYN room. I sat and cried and cried while they continued my paper work for the following day surgery. 
Then the OBGYN comes and says to me, “for tomorrow you will need to wear something loose, bring pads, insert these tablets into your vagina two hours before and fast from 8.30am.” That won’t be hard because I don't think I’ll feel like eating. I had only packed a bag for one night so I only had my jeans and plane clothes. Now i had to be here a few extra days. If it was under any other circumstances I’d be in heaven being told I have to stay in Singapore (one of my favourite places in the world) for a few days more and, on top of that, go shopping for new clothes but that was not the case this time. 
Then I was sent to pathology to have bloods taken in preparation for the surgery the next day. I had to sit in a room uncontrollably crying ALONE amongst around 30 people and wait for about one hour. Nowhere to hide. Nowhere to go. No one to hide my crying face into. 

So I had bloods and started walking back to the hotel. It was all a blur. All I could think was “how dare you. I wanted one more baby for so long then I was settled. I was happy with my perfect healthy three boys then, oh here you go, have the baby you wanted for so long. Oh no, just joking you can’t have it…..” I was so SAD. I don't think had ever been so sad in my whole life. 

So I arrive back to the hotel room to find a note from Zed, “I have gone looking for you. xxx” So I rung him and told him where I was. He returned not long after the phone call, and he and I just cuddled and cried. How did I think I was going to cope alone? That was crazy thinking. My rock, my soul mate, my husband: that’s what I needed. 
So that afternoon and evening, we spent crying and cuddling for hours. I tried to take my mind off it all with television. Zed tried working on his computer and we would both just burst into tears. My whole face was puffy, my nose was continuously blocked and I was SAD. I was so sad that this had happened to me. I had lost a baby, no matter how old or how far along, I had lost a child that I had never had the chance to meet that I never had the chance to hold, feed or kiss but I loved this baby. I cared for this baby. I wanted this baby. We all wanted this baby. This was so unfair. I was sad! I was so very sad! 

My D & C was booked for the following day at 3.30 pm but I had lots of prep to do before it. I had to go and buy something to wear that wasn't tight. I had to buy pads. I had to get nail polish remover, undies and then had to be back at the hotel at 12.30 to insert these tablets that open your cervix. They also cause bleeding and cramps.
So we went out and got what we needed to get then returned to the hotel. We were both just numb dreading what had to happen later that day, trying not to think of it. While we were in the hotel room, the phone rang. It was the OBGYN’s office. They had to push me back an hour.  Oh no another hour to wait… GREAT, as if all day waiting wasn't bad enough. 

My husband never left my side that day or the next. I couldn't have done this without him. 
So it came time to leave for the hospital. In hysterics, my husband loaded me in the taxi and we headed off to what was going to be one of the hardest days of my life. Standing in front of the hospital doors, I could only think, “what if i don't go in? What if they were wrong? If I don't go in and go home, would it all be ok?” Silly huh? Well I didn't want it to be over. I didn't want to lose my baby so my mind was clenching at straws. With the support from my husband, we walked in. We went to the registration counter and I couldn't even talk to the woman that called us up. I was a blubbering mess. Zed found strength that day that we both needed. Like I said, I couldn't have done it without him. 
We waited in the waiting room for what felt like an eternity. I cried the whole time. Then we were registered, the nurse came to get us, walked us through to our room and gave me instructions on what was going to happen. I still couldn't stop crying. 
Our little oopsy
Never in my arms but always in our hearts.
Zed sat by my bed side and we watched some car show (I think) it was all kind of a blur. Then they came to wheel me away, crying harder than I had since I found out initially the day before. I kissed my husband goodbye and saw tears welling in his eyes for what I think was the first time since leaving the hotel that afternoon. 
They wheeled me down the corridor off to the surgery room and we pulled up in a corridor to wait for approval to head in. We went in then I was put in another waiting room in front of a TV where I watched the same car show zed and I were watching just before. Then the anesthetist came and told me what would happen, put in an IV, and then not long after, they wheeled me into the operating room where I saw my OBGYN, and she said how sorry she was again. Then the anesthetist appeared and begun to put me to sleep. 
I then woke in recovery ALONE. I felt empty. I felt like a part of me was missing. I felt SAD. I felt numb. 

I then woke properly and they wheeled me back to my beautiful husband who was sitting in the same spot as I left him some two hours prior. 
I then had to eat and drink and then at around 8pm was allowed to leave to go back to our hotel room. I was numb. I went back and got into bed where I planned to stay. 
I fell asleep watching some crap on tv (crying, yes, I cried A LOT). 

When we woke, we packed up our room and went to breakfast, even though neither of us felt like eating. We then went to see the OBGYN and she explained what we needed to expect for the next two months. She explained that they have no idea why these things happen then she gave us the pictures from the ultrasound taken two days before. Zed lost it: he was in tears as was I. Now to head home to hug our three boys and deal with telling them. The boys were sad, one cried for about 30 minutes, one let out a few tears and Buddha was just too young to understand. But one sweet thing was one said “Lucky you didn't die too mummy.” Our driver’s wife had died about two years ago when she miscarried.

 So then I decided to post something on Facebook informing everyone that we had lost our baby. Because I didn't want someone coming to me saying, “oh, how’s the pregnancy, how you feeling, etc, etc?” The amount of my friends that have had this happen to them is amazing, and I didn't even know. Some friend are close friends. My next question is why don't we talk about these things? Where do these women and husbands find support if they don't tell anyone? 
I am so thankful to have three healthy, perfect boys. It makes me feel so lucky after what we have been through. 

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Children and Accidents

So our boys are very much boys, they ride motorbike, the run a hundred mile an hour, they play lots of sport, and never slow down.

So like any normal full on child they always have bruised chins stubbed toes, scrapped knees and elbows.

So Buddha following the tradition of his big brothers RUNS everywhere, never walks, the other night I said to Zed, will you be right playing with Buddha for a hour while me and the big boys go to the gym (in our complex)? He said yeah we will be fine. So the big boys and I jogged up to the gym, I had done one exercise and there is a knock at the door.

Opened it up and here is Zed and Buddha standing there, covered in blood. Oh my god, what happened? Zed nearly in tears tells me "Buddha and me where playing chase around the lounge room" (a daily activity in our house) "and he tripped on the doona behind the lounge and head butted the coffee table".

The doonas we have behind the lounge because it’s freezing in our house we have aircon 24/7 and the stupid little coffee table I only moved there the other day. :(

So we all had blood everywhere by the time we got home, he probably could have done with a few stitches but Zed and I made up some homemade butterflies stitches and pulled it together and it came together pretty well.

Master T did the same thing when he was a little older, head butted Grandmas window sill had to have a few stitches in the exact same place, so they will have the same scar same size and shape.



Well welcome back- I’m so sorry IV been slack over the school holidays. We went to OZ on spare of the minute holiday home.

Was great to see everyone, and the kids loved to see grandma & nanas, and we all loved to see our dog KIA. We all love and miss her like crazy...... :( We went out a lot and ate a lot of yummy Oz food.
We bought back close to 3 suitcases of food etc. I got a yogurt maker which I LOVE it’s amazing and easy!

I recommend everyone that has kids no matter where you live should have one!

Its funny when you go home you think that it’s all going to be wonderful, and like a holiday and everyone is going to love seeing you and put things aside to spend time with you because you have been away for so long-but it isn’t like that, well some people. It shows you who your REAL friends are.

So while I was home the same old people started the same old childish crap that goes on and it actually shows you how much you like to be an expat away from it all!

I missed my maid like crazy while on holidays (even though I had my mum and mother in-law doing everything) you get so use to having someone basically walking 2 steps behind you picking up after you-we make the kids still do "chores" because I still think they need to learn to do things for themselves.

I think for the kids and yourself it is important to have an "actual" holiday when you have your break. You have to reward yourself and the kids for the sacrifices you are all making.

So next break we are taking the kids to Singapore, there is SO much to do there, day/night Zoo, universal studios, water parks, elephant sanctuary, lots and lots! So I’m really looking forward to that! :)


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

School holidays

Ok wow well we are half way through this year already it’s flown by!

My twins have a whole month off school so I am on the lookout for some fun school holiday activities for them to do.

I have found out that there is an ice skating rink, (not sure if they have received their skates yet). There is the water park which we know very well. Hopefully there will be a few kids’ movies out at the movie theater. (Movies are so cheap here)

The local early learning centre runs a holiday program for children 18mth-7years so that should be great for them arts and crafts a couple of days a week.

Here there are 2 main ex-pat schools, the Australian one and the American one, the American one has broken up for summer holidays for over 2 months and most families have their breaks these school holidays so I thought there would be no one here. But have since found out that heaps of families are staying!

Anyway- I don’t ever remember having 1 month off in June/July holidays when I was at school and def not 2 months over Xmas! These kids these days spend more time at home than at school. Maybe that is why they have to send SO much homework home! :)

 Happy Holidays xxx

Monday, June 4, 2012


So it’s been awhile- SORRY! We are all great!!! It’s been raining lots here in Borneo.

My husband is back from nearly a month in Germany whilst I stayed in Borneo and kept the house running.
Not only were we all missing him like crazy, Buddha was teething he broke 2 teeth while Zed was away... horrendous nappy rash, fevers, crying and no sleeping.
Boof was sick for a week as well, doctors, school pickups during the middle of the days and I didn’t have anyone to come home and "winge" too. :(

All I can say is thank God I have some great friends here in Borneo or I would have been a basket case!

But on the upside MILK has been readily available - as you know that would make my life so much better :)

I have really missed my dog- my friends and family this past month have been home sick.

Zed loves his job and there are great new big things coming his way so he is so excited!
Some days I just feel like I’m just existing, not living. I’m sure we all have these days!

I thought maybe if I study something I might feel like I’m accomplishing something? There is no stimulation when you are an ex pat wife, like (work/learning/business) stimulation, so it gets a bit boring, there is heaps to do, coffee mornings, parties, dinner etc but Boring on the brain side of things.

But i'm trying to focus on my family and having quality time together.



Ok so I think I’ve been doing really well, 1 trip out of here since we got here in November, spent xmas here, spent mother’s day without my husband cause he spent nearly 1 month in Germany for work, me and the kids stayed in Borneo.

I tried to get out of here, ha ha, Germany, Australia, Malaysia hahaha but nope too expensive and we are here to save.

The twins have school holidays coming up-4 weeks (when I was a kid we never got 4 weeks off in the middle of the year) so I thought good time to take them home see Grandma, both their nanas, and all their friends- perhaps a early birthday party?

So I’ve been searching flights- Balikpapan -Brisbane easy!!! Around $3000. BUT Brisbane to Townsville an incredible $1000........
HERE IS MY WINGE: why is it that any other country you can zip from here to there for cheap? Why is Australian national flying so ridiculously expensive?

So I keep checking ALL the airlines in hope that a special will come up hahaha haven’t been so lucky as yet- Virgin blue  Just under $800, Qantas just over $1000, Jet star just under $800.

So to fly Balikpapan to Singapore, its roughly the same distance, (actually Brisbane - Townsville is shorter) it wouldn’t even cost me $400, so I ask what is the difference, the planes are equipped the same, same amount of staff, maybe more for Balikpapan - Singapore cause its actually an international flight.

They both provide meals, luggage is the same.
USA, Europe, and Asia they all have really cheap internal flights.

 Just another thing we Aussies pay way too much for. :(

Saturday, May 5, 2012


Ok So I had my first break-down last week since being an ex-pat (well aside from the scooter incident). For the last 2+ weeks my Buddha has been sick, then I got sick and it was awful, all Buddha did was cry all the time not sleeping etc and I thought it was teeth (which it was), but my 3 boys suffer terribly with teeth, ear infections, cold, coughs, high fevers, irritability so I really feel for them.

So it wasn’t a great week, and on top of this Zed had SO SO much work on that he was at the office till 6.30-7.00pm every night (this would be totally fine IF I wasn’t having such a sucky week). And then out of the blue, Zed is told that he is off to Germany in 1 week :( Great opportunity for him, and he was so excited, I on the other was not ha ha ha let me explain why.....

Zed and I had had discussions about me and the kids going back home for a visit and leaving him here in Balikpapan, Which he was NOT at all impressed with he reckoned "if I have to be here working then you should have to be as well" I can totally see his point, so I had not asked to go anywhere without him (we like to spend all our time together anyway). (And this trip is for work)

So here we are he gets told "off to Germany for 3 weeks". OMG!!!!
1st thought, "how jealous I was"
2nd thought "I want to go home"
3rd thought was "we are coming"

Being a business trip I knew we went going. So I looked for cheap flights home, argh such short notice it’s expensive as.... we just don’t have that kind of money ATM. :( So I had accepted the fact that I was going to stay in Balikpapan for 3 weeks without my man!

So Zed was flying out on Sunday and we hadn’t seen him at dinner time ALL week, and then Friday night comes, the first day he has finished at a decent hour and you know what he does....yep you guessed it the PUB.
Well now I was rope able, furious, ahhhhh here I was with a screaming sick Buddha, feeling like death warmed up he was leaving in 2 days to go away for 3 weeks...........and he thought it was appropriate to go to the pub?
WELL we talked about it and it was sorted, (we don’t dwell on things, get them out and sorted and move on).
Saturday I thought awesome we can have a WHOLE day to do family things. UMMM nope have to go to the office.

So Saturday I broke down, ha ha ha now looking at it I TOTALLY over reacted, BUT in my defense I was sick, had a sick kid and hadn’t had any quality time with my best friend/husband for a week. And had to evict a tenant that hadn’t paid rent in 3-4 weeks! My mum going back into hospital wasn’t a great week.
The twins were amazing threw this week and so helpful and well behaved (most of the time) so that was handy-but they don’t muck up much anyway.

So Sunday came and there were tears, lots and lots of tears..... I know it may sound weird to some but I love spending time with my husband, we spend nearly every second we can together, and we love spending time as a family! If I didn’t like my husband's company I wouldn’t be with him!

So anyway Zed is having an awesome time in Germany learning lots, after a horrible start to the trip, he lost his phone-gone forever, and the airline lost his luggage-which he got back a day later.

We are doing ok the boys keep asking when is daddy home, but we are counting down the days on the calendar, and trying to keep busy.

It’s funny he use to leave us for 5 weeks at a time but we are just so use to having him home all the time that it makes it harder.
 But it’s always harder for the people that get left behind and don’t go away!

But we have found some great friend here in Balikpapan and lots of things to do, Boof and master T signed up for aus-kick yesterday they had a great time, Boof saved 2 goals, and Master T kicked 1 goal... oh so PROUD mummy!

It is really good here for the kids to get into sport, it’s not as expensive as in OZ it’s not CHEAP here but Cheaper than OZ so it’s really good that they can try LOTS of different sports, then when we return home they will know what they really love and what they are good at! :)

I’m really impressed with what they are learning, here they have an ex pat teacher and 2 teacher aids in their class and only 10 students so they don’t get looked over or missed in their class. Their reading is just phenomenally improving-crazy!

So really LIFE is good here in Balikpapan they say it takes you about 6 months to get settled and we are getting close to that now so we are starting to get settled!

Tash xx